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Friday, April 2nd, 2004
10:13 pm - its friday,.. word
so the countdown is on until april 6th.. the butchies cd release in chapel hill, nc. who's with me?!?! lynncasper.. homie i know you are. you got shotgun. holla!
and for anyone who didnt get it early.. the new butchies cd is REALGOOD. like mhm.
..for some reason i really did have things worth reading to write about. but well. i dont know where they went. its like i go for days and think about all the angles and "sides" of things and scribble them down on random scraps of paper. and then i think ..hmm. this might make for good reading someday.. and the rest is history.

current mood: blank

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Friday, March 26th, 2004
1:03 pm - innnteresting
Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Your Love Is...Hard
During Lovemaking You Act...Like a vampire, very seductive
Your Partner Is...Yourslave
Your Partner Has Said That You...Are their bitch
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote."You deserve a bed of roses"
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Your Love Is...Soft
During Lovemaking You Act...Like a volcano, hot & steamy
Your Partner Is...Your support
Your Partner Has Said That You...Are extrodinary
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote."I love thee wild with desire"
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

current mood: going to see liz phair tonight

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Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
9:21 pm - no subject.
you know. sometimes i feel so emotional and overwhelmed or more.. like.. i look at myself in retrospective. and if i could put a soundtrack to it all. i think the world would change
people in the world
who would then change other people they know. and so on and so forth.. in turn that means the world. cause i believe in 6 degrees of separation ..but what about closed minded people..?
but they (ex: my dad or someone closed minded like him) might listen or watch and be like. wow. this is MY child. or someone else might see or hear it and say. ..wow.. people exist in the world like this??.. and think as i think.. "there is hope."
actually i know there are bad people.
i know it for sure.
as in. no good. until you show or offer them different. not that they started out good.
and some people.. no matter what you say or do or act out or offer.. they ignore and or shun or make fun of.. and thats cool too. cause it takes all kinds. and i feed off of the challenge of thinking there are so many untouched people in the world.
i dont want to change the world though
i want to set that shit off inside someone else who will set out to change the world. start a cycle.
sometimes when i feel so strongly about things like i feel about the aforementioned topics.. i wont even fight for them or like put up a visible fight. i kind of infiltrate in my own way
youd never know it but id win in the end. one way or the other
team dresch makes my heart swell
"queer sex is great. is fun as shit.. dont worrry jesus is dead and god dont exist. queer sex is great, its fun as shit. dont kill yrself cause people cant deal with yr brilliance"
dont kill yourself cause people cant deal with your brilliance
is going to be my next tattoo
you should dl and study their music
it will give you a whole new feeling
or at least read the lyrics
captain my captain album especially
its what i grew up on in my most formative years
i came up with a thought
last night in the shower
i am a paintbrush
through the day i use colors to paint things.. words are one color. love is red. music is another.. fighting bullshit is another color..
and at the end of the night.. when i submerge myself in water so hot it feels cold.. all the colors and the days work are washed away
.. but if youve ever noticed any used paintbrush
theres always a hint of red stuck to it or in it
no matter what
red= love. something that you cant wash away..

current mood: nostalgic

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Monday, February 9th, 2004
12:02 am - so its been a long time coming...
ill start this shit by saying.. this post is not sad. or "cryptic" or angry. or anything other than rational/thought out. i intend to adress a large number of things. so hold on to your chairs and your weave.. or dont.

..first off. things have been going pretty fine and dandy for me.. small tragedys here and there. a dental mishap, a hospital taking 300+ of my state tax check.. my heat in my apartment DOES NOT work.. (keep in mind it is freezing outside) and last but not least.. bairb.. (pronounced barb- with a fargo accent) my trusty pink cavalier.. poor dear. while my dental mishap was happening, i managed to catch 3 large pieces of flat tire under the car while driving.. and knock the oil pan loose. in turn causing me to drive around for a week with no oil. this, ladies and gentleman is not cheap. but it is alllll to the good now. i shall have my lovely loud stereo- armed- mobility again tomorrow.. and money.. and paid rent. and yeah. a humbling time.. i love it
and something else- friendship. sometimes i want to ask people- what does that word mean to you?? like. really. what does it mean?? and why?.. i suppose that what i am really trying to say here is.. if there is something you would like to say to someone. JUST FUCKING SAY IT. and if theres something you feel about someone, make it known. dont wait until they arent around to talk shit. and dont use the net as a weapon for petty personal issues. thats why we have voices..
did i mention i am working on remixing the song "maps" by the yeah yeah yeahs? it seems to be my song of the moment...
on to other things. the countdown is sooo on until the butchies show/pj party at go in chapel hill. my friend jenny (that i have loved for sooo long because shes such an educated and beautiful womyn) and i are going to continue our fine tradition of shows/hell raising. FEBRUARY 21ST!!!
you know what.. my faith in love is coming back. thank you to everyone who contributes to this. whether you love me. or you dont. .. because even when you dont, there are those whose love doesnt falter.. and you know who you are.
im sorry this post doesnt contain my usual feministic and self righteous context.. but now isnt the time nor place.. and im just sleepy. so dont fret, theres more to come. just not tonight

current mood: calm

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Sunday, December 14th, 2003
11:36 pm
5 Items You Have Brand Loyalty To:
- breakbeat science
- jumex
- cascade
- abercrombie
- salvation army

5 Slang Terms/Phrases You Use:
- word!
- savage (in reference to people.. ie: that bitch is a savage!)
- office ass - a condition in which i am developing due to my daily intake of coffee, popcorn, cigarettes, and general "sit on my ass-edness" at my job)
- that shit is nasty (in reference to ceratin drum n bass tracks)

5 Snacks You Enjoy:
- kettle corn popcorn
- caramel popcorn
- butter lovers popcorn
- the popcorn with the packet of butter that comes with it
- jumbo pop popcorn

5 Songs You Know The Words To, Even Without Music:
- do the ladies run this- rah digga
- get yr freak on- missy elliot
- this boquet- ani difranco
- tighter- bibis ellison
- turn the lights off- gina young

5 Games You Like:
- basketball
- staring contests
- tic tac toe
- thumb war
- shadow dancing

5 Albums That Changed Your Life:
- team dresch- captain my captain
- cat power- what would the community think
- dj dara- future perfect
- "im scary not scared"- free to fight self defense project sampler cd from ladyfest in olympia summer 2000- various artists.
- the gossip- arkansas heat

5 Little Gadgets You Can't Live Without:
- turntables
- mixer
- sampler
- cd player
- telephono

5 Good Things To Touch:
- my bed
- girl
- vinyl
- hot water
- a friend

5 Things You'd Buy With $1000:
- even more tattoos
- records. duh
- salvation army
- rent (as in.. pay my rent)
- donate to a womyns shelter or a fund for abused or homeless animals

5 Things You've Owned Over Ten Years:
- records
- turntables/that whole setup
- music
- my freedom
- my voice

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Saturday, December 13th, 2003
10:29 pm - so much to say
tonight my special friend that i love so dearly had a show here. and i went. i had a few reservations about attending the show, but they were put to ease as soon as i walked in and saw her. i wasnt scared anymore. i wasnt overwhelmed by the feelings inside.. i just watched and listened with all of my heart. and a special note- shoutouts to katie! who is oh so cool and i hope she will be my friend. for now i must cut this short because i cant handle it. and i dont know the words for what i want to say. so ill finish this tomorrow when im collected.

current mood: calm

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Monday, December 8th, 2003
11:28 pm - forgive me.. this will be long. but interesting, maybe?!
alright. so. since i last updated, ive had a lot of busy days. and a lot of funny happenings. so. get cozy, grab a cup of hot tea, and hold on to whatever is closest. its going to be a long night.
lets see. first. it has turned downright fucking COLD here. i thought i was in the drrty south?~ so much for following the sunshine.. i was at work. it was slow. so me and my partner in crime, james, decided to talk about meth addicts and how dead it was in the office. well.. some random lady called the police. because apparently her answering machine picked up part of our conversation, and somehow she turned it into me saying i was going to kill myself on the answering machine. so we're sitting there engulfed in conversation and coffee. totally unsuspecting.. when low and behold.. 3 cop cars and the EMT unit pull into the parking lot. we get put on break and i am asked to stay behind?! "ma'am.. are you depressed?"- *burst into hysterical laughter* excuse me!? are you going to harm yourself? .. with a total look of shock on my face.. um. no? "are you in an abusive relationship?" (funniest ever) _you have to understand my context. i am in no way shape or form even remotely close to depressed. or suicidal. or into the whole pity-party for me because life isnt perfect deal_ and in my office, i have the nickname "smiley".. so after chatting with a few co-workers about my personality, the cops decided that it was indeed a giant mixup and that i am stable enough to continue on with my workday.. thank goodness. i wasnt exactly looking forward to 72 hrs under "observation"..
onward.. young ladies...
so then that night i went to my second home. and had a wonderful night.
its now friday.. laid around and went to wal mart and to subway with megan. i like being in her presence. she, jesse and i went to this pancake house. and became the victims of drunken redneck bitch harassment. "hey! ya'll wanna go skeeny deippin?! you got thongs o'n?! if ya got pain'ies on ya caint come!".. the best part of this was. that when this group of skank individuals pulled up and ran into the cement parking barrier, there were 2. count them. 2 policemen at the door. who let them pass on through. keys in hand! _now you KNOW if that wouldve been me, or any of my sidekicks, theyd have been waiting on us at the gate, nigga_ just when i thought things couldnt get anymore exciting.. i saw my friends meredith, freda, and wes. all looking a fabulous im sure from a long night of dancing it up at the gay bar. i miss that scene sometimes.
saturday i was productive and got my oil changed and some other work done to my car that was in great need of attention. saturday night, jesse, josie, and megan came over and i cooked the BOMBFUNK pasta. i cant tell all my secrets, but i will say that iron chef 'aint got shit on me, nigga.. big big thanks to jesse who indeed saved my computer from the grasps of death by virus. i dont know what i would do without smart people. after jesse and josie left, megan and i stayed up until the wee hours talking and watching television. a rarity for the both of us. woke up and went to work on sunday. then returned to megans. it felt good there. when i got there, everyone was there. and also crystal and her boyfriend. it was good to see her and hear of someone else having a thriving relationship. props! finally, megan and i were alone to sleep. or. yeah. something like that.
woke up "late" but felt like shit. so i called off first shift from work. laid around and awoke to megan bringing me pancakes and my favorite juice. im so so lucky. damn... listened to some sounds for a while and contemplated the beauty of the recent times in my life.
got dressed and went to megans parents house to see her mom and sister. i LOVE her sister. such a small, plump little lady. who shouts obscene things like its her job. .. as i recall "im going to put my crotch in your eye".. not bad for 5 yrs old i think?
fed some swans. ate some subway. and returned to the office. im getting used to this, and i like it.

current mood: content

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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
12:33 am - fighting fire with.water. or blood. as in.. from a bleeding vagina..
"See? Already done.
This is in response to my comments on this kid's journal regarding his blatant use of racism, sexism and overall ignorance which he thought would be funny in pictures. It wasn't.

"...everytime you have talked to me you said stuff like omg chris is mad at me boo hoo the only people that like you are those damn kids who think you are hot shit because you carry a guitar um and mam i never thought we were friends only reason half of us go is for katie because she begs us... and damn i am glad i dont have to hear your musical excuse for a bleeding vagina thank you goodbye now run along and do whatever it is that makes you happy""

"so as of late, ive heard of and seen some god awful things that have been said about a very close friend of mine. I DONT LIKE IT NOT ONE BIT. a very sad point about the whole thing- the party responsible is supposed to be an artist/"scene-fuck"/whatever..
so heres something to think about.. (ready.?!)
what ever happened to "ARTIST RESPECT"?!?!.. and the fact that appreciation is not based upon like or dislike of a person. personal issues between people should not ever carry over into blatant disrespect of someones creativity and expression. especially not Bibis's. it takes a hell of a lot of soul/passion/trust/courage to do what she does. to play show after show. write song after song. pouring intimate pieces of life into each performance. how many times can YOU say that you put YOU on stage? how many times have YOU put your lifes moments on display for a crowd of strangers? how many times have YOU driven hours to play and didnt know about making it home??! its so easy to hide behind your computer and your little livejournals .. show yr face every now and then at a show..- BUT WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! and what gives you the right to judge anyone? or make a sad attempt to belittle such an amazing humyn being in order to make your pathetic life seem a little more interesting. such a badass... you shouldnt do anyone any favors by coming to any shows in which you really dont want to attend. the people that want to be there will come. the support of the true fans and friends will always be there, regardless of your presence or lack thereof. personally, i LOVE Bibis's work. i think its rather refreshing to hear such a strong voice.. singing songs about important things. to see such personal performances every show... dont know about the rest of you, but the whole whiney boys and the "wah wah *fake emotion* my penis hurts because a girl wont love me" act is a little old. as well as all the songs about how bad high school sucked. and how your parents hate you. and life hates you. and the world hates you..
suck it up... wait. suck.it.up.
(so yeah- this is probably gonna get the shit flying. and thats all good with me, because i am loyal .. to a fault sometimes. if you have a problem with the things i have posted here.. you have a problem with yourself.) to bibis- please keep doing what you do. you inspire many, and just plain rock. ignorance fades away. dont let it trap you. i love you like a fat kid love cake. except. im not fat. *snow peas for life*- p.starr"

current mood: boys are gross

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Saturday, November 29th, 2003
3:24 pm - if you have to ask. you dont need to know.
i woke up this morning. completely exposed. and i liked it. all of me. right there.
why does the glass have to be half empty .. or half full. why cant it be just half? hmm. i never noticed myself saying half empty or full. always just half. lol the word half is funny if you look at it over and over half half half half half half half half half half half half half
are you still breathing?
..time to hit the shower and invite you in again.

current mood: dirty

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Friday, November 28th, 2003
9:30 pm - milkshakes and chocolate kisses
its winter inside and out. read between the lines that the pillow made upon my face while i try to sleep you away. all i feel is you. slowly. slowly. because you throw words at me. off timing or lack of nerve to say no. either way i know its time. to move... lets not talk it over.

current mood: sympathetic

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1:44 pm - go ahead vultures.. pick this apart.
so alright. heres something for all of you people who read to digest. i just recently had a very educational/inspiring weekend with someone i loved very much, and a very close friend who always seems to just "know". in this weekend i experienced the closure of one chapter in my life, as well as realized the beginning of another. dont get my words fucked up. dont over-read. there are no lines to read between. be sure to wipe yr mouth when yr finished.
a simple solution?.. all ive lovedknownfoundbleddreamed..

i didnt make the move.. i kept the centimeters between
(our beings) intense and overwhelming.. realizing the answer doesnt always expose itself in audio form.. some solutions dont require an initial "problem" to have enlightened me. a lesson worth learning- a lifetime of question answered in a single stare.. in the light of the stars above..
i am whole now.. (un)changed
an ally in the girl revolution.. take back the revolution. we have to stick together and swallow the past.. the future can be seen much clearer through unclouded eyes..
one heartbeat at a time. it is what i want. i learned a lot.. its just a matter of the battle between my soul and my feet. take in every second and embrace a new love.
the first day of the rest of my life started.. 11/22/03 5:00am and im still awake...
even when i sleep.
apologies unneccessary.. just because its unrequited doesnt mean it has to be awkward. just breathe. some things just dont fade.. but in staying the same, it doesnt mean regression. acceptance as a partner in the fight rather than a "partner"
dont ever apologize for anything you feel.. you cant help what time heals..
ironic how absence makes the heart grow fonder. tragic how the words of an outsider can infiltrate a happy home. grey skies. tears-not for loss- paralyzed by visions of
(tell me your secrets)
your face is still woven into every fabric of my
sleep is seeming forbidden in the hours of unbalanced breathing
do not hate what you do not understand...

current mood: determined

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Thursday, November 27th, 2003
11:16 pm - a sense of conquering technology
so i have managed to figure out most of the bullshit on here. this makes me happy. im not one for computers and all the cool computer-whiz lingo. but thats ok. DIY for life, nigga. anyways. this ought to be fun. now all of these people can read the innermost fucking secrets of my life. and hate on me. mmm. i have to go back to work tomorrow. so i suppose i should go on and shower and get ready to bed down for the evening. without you. (i could be. the answer. to all your breathing problems)

current mood: mellow

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10:26 pm - the first entry
wow. so this is what its all about, huh? im so cool. i have one of these journal deals now. awesome
so. today is thanksgiving. last night was. amazing. i still dont know the words to describe last weekend. so i just write over and over. and think. and pray. and drive. and bleed. where are you? this time yesterday i was losing myself. lets see what happens

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